Today it finally dawned on me, Matilda

 

Today it finally dawned on me, Matilda

I tried this one so many times!

I have written so much about it!

Soo many times that...

I forgot their number! :(

Way too many times!

But I kept going in circles

Oh...

You see Matilda...

Although you said...

What you said

What caused me to live in a

Unbelievable

Unbearable

Numbness

Disbelief

And Shock

For so long

Circles and circles of

Disappointment

Grief

Laugh

Pain

Sorrow

Distrust

Doubt...

Perhaps even signs of anger...

In the end I lost my mind ability

To say sanely anything about it!

I was lost...

Until today...

...

...

Now I again know

You are not a bad person

Even...

If your conscious part

Would want me to suffer...

To bring you pleasure

To chain me

Watching your

Compulsive long Friday's shopping’s

Or something totally else

Maybe...

God only knows

What you'd put me through

Because you knew...

I was crazy about you

(I do attach...

What can I say?

I'm only human...)

Maybe...

You would torture me

Like no man before

But...

There is still

A no matter how tiny

But crucial

Subconscious part in your Soul

In your very Core

That would want me...

To run away from you

As fast as I can

The part...

That...

And I know you might

Not be able to admit

To anyone else

Or to yourself even

And you hide it behind

All the colorful show lights

Behind all the songs

All the scrambled words

In between all the changed words...

And you made me suffer

To blur it even more

It would have made you

So Weak and...

Vulnerable...

Otherwise...

To kiss me...

Would be

Simply

Too intensive

For You

It would feel like...

You never kissed before

That frightened you so much

I know...

But...

But today it finally dawned on me...

What you wanted

To write me back on a paper...

In my dream...

The other night...

And what I meant

When I gave you

A bunch of scribbled little papers

With written sides pointing

From both sides of the pile

To the center...

In the first place...

I saw a picture of

Your worried-empty face

Just for a few seconds

Few days before you came

To sit on a corner bench

Into my dream!

And it made me Think...

And I know you might grin

When you hear it and say

"It absolutely isn't so!"

But I will know...

And now you may think...

How you've again fooled me

And everyone else

If you want

Silly Aunt Sally

And Cunning MC Matilda

Everlasting Hide and Seek

How funny...

Particularly MC times two

Which even you yourself

Didn't capture

LoL

***

But how silly it would be

If Mouth or Mind

Could ever cheat the Soul?

***

What a paradox eh?

Even I!

Couldn't reach

To the bottom of it!

But I'm too stubborn

To leave it until I solve it

So now I know

For sure

You Loved Me Too Much

Yeah I know...

How it sounds...

'Over stretched'

Even I doubt it...

On some

Troublesome mornings

But...

Oh this will make you...

Cry So Hard...

Because you doubted yourself

"What have I done?"

You simply didn't know...

Or you thought...

What have you thought? :)

...

...

Let Me Unveil It For You

Dear Matilda

This is the Key Time

When...

'You can work for them'

Transforms into everlasting

'You Loved Me Way Too Much'

***

***

Now cry, cry, cry

And be happy

Cry

Cry

Cry

No one will ever know why...

If they ask...

You reply

"Oh it's nothing

Just a thistle in my eye" ;-)

***

***

You loved me too much

In fact you still do

...

...

If I try to imagine...

If man would love

Several women

And they would love him

I'm talking about...

Real Love

Really Deep Love

Not a joke

Or experiments

...

Where somehow

It just happened!

And he cares about them all

Like

His Angels

Tending all of their needs

With equality

As best as he can

And they truly care about him

All with deepest respect

And no jealousy

With no one being selfish!

No one being hurt!

If that could ever be possible (!?)

If that would happen!

Which for some perhaps

Strangely

It happens

If all of them are Kind...

Empathetic

Full of Understanding...

Friendly in between themselves

And no one is hurting anyone...

If they have The Manners...

If they really Wish so...

And if none would

In general have

Serious Issues

If Fate Itself

Would really say 'Yes' to it!

Then I would say

"Oh I See (!?)" :O

But otherwise...

...

...

I'm sorry...

Don't believe I could

Ever, ever, ever...

Do that to someone

Like they are doing...

No matter she wants it or not

Because it is her trouble point...

It would feel

Like I'm abusing her Soul...

Her weakest link needs Love

Her deepest wound seeks Healing

Hopefully Real Solution

Not more fuel to the fire...

Am I getting this right?

...I don't know (!?)

I Do Not Know...

...

...

...

Yeah

"... .. .. a Compromise"

You don't have to draw it to me

The Solution

Very likely must be found

Somewhere deep

In the Psyche

Anchored in...

"First experiences define us"

Possibly even before her birth!?

Now that you got me into it...

Again...

Uhhh...

It's hurting me...

Do you sometimes enjoy

When you know

That it is hurting me?

***

Does my pain makes you

Feel Less Alone?

***

Less Alone In This World?

***

Is that it!?? :'(

***

Ohh

***

Ohh

***

Ohh

***

It hurts me

Because of me

But much more it hurts me

Because of you!

So yeah...

...

You would nibble me alive

You would spoil me

You would be my Sweetest Nymph

But...

'You loved me way too much'

That cell is shining so bright!!

...

...

And of course

You can try their hand signals

And other naive & wrong things...

You are falling inside of a rabbit hole...

Because you let them

Shove you inside.

Oh...

They offered you some cash...

Did they now?

Wow! Oh!

You are so naive

But you simply

Do not belong in there...

Do you?

Do you??

Am I not seeing this right?

Such a bright and smart girl!?

Running the wrong way

Wrong lane

And Why?

Why??

...

...

Ask yourself...

Which wolf will you feed more?

Which side will win...

Good

Or the

Bad

Will you pass Life's Tests?

That cell is shining so bright!!!

Oh how I wanted

To cure you

From your toughest darkest plight

How I wanted to ask you

Was her mum to blame?

Or what is it then to blame?

Desensitized?

Conditioned?

Forced?

What?

Please don't give me that sad look

Please, please, please...

You know what I meant

No

I will not accuse

Neither should you

There is no point

Nor reason

I don't want you to feel sad!

I'm simply

Looking for hard Answers

On your behalf

Descartes

Deduction

Solution

That is all I'm doing...

...

...

Oh...

'You Loved Me Way Too Much'

Now I know

What so hidden deep inside

It was

:')

And I really...

I really cared...

Later when I found...

Only in two or three

Little clue words!

Among numerous

And not only yours!

I even thought about The One

That I didn't knew how to name

Ohhh Matilda...

Did he knew

Just like me

At least in the end

That You Loved Him - Too?

Did he knew?

Why don't you tell him Now?

You know...

Once upon a time

I've been in a friendly company

And

Older women were talking

From experience

How...

***

***

"Every house has The Cross

Some have a Chapel

Some have a Church

...

And some - even a Cathedral"

***

***

So True

And To Love

Is all we can do

Let that be your Guide

Never allow the old shadows

Arisen by past sins

Or Chance alone

That were following you

Since your childhood

To become even longer

Be smarter - Be stronger

You are

The first one

Whom You Can Change

***

***

For Love...

It Is Simply Never Too Late

***

***

See that is why I try to shine it

Backwards and forward

And everywhere

I'm doin' it imperfectly

As you can see...

But the Eyes

Eyes are watchin’

It's the best thing you can do

Best thing you can try

And if something kills you

If you die

At least you know - you have tried

Don't ask your mother

Don't ask your father

Don't search for answers outside

Look deep inside

Have you ever been left

As a kid

In a hospital

For some time

And cried after your Parents?

Do you know how that feels?

Blindly Shine Your Love On Him!

Expect nothing in return

Unlock the locks

Forget all the wrongs

Forgive

Repent if you need

Go back in time

Change your decisions in the past

In your mind

If you must

Henceforth

Do it Positively Exclusively

Let the Oceans of True Love

Pour out

On The Ash

On 'The Dust'

And all around

Let it be your

New Found Joy

To Love His Soul

More

Because you never know

Maybe he still needs help now?

Or...

Maybe He will be

Your Guardian Angel Tomorrow!?

What - Do - We - Know??

And even if not

It counts a lot

Point by point...

And you thought...

What

Have

You

Thought???

...

...

Metaphysical 'J'

Is it not?

Believe

Believe

Believe

...

...

Huh...

...

...

Have I gone too far?

Am I talking too much?

...

...

Today I finally know

What I needed to know

Today it finally dawned on me, Matilda

You believe me or not

And I still do

I still want to Heal you

If only I would know How!

And I still do

I still want to Heal you

I still try to Point You The Way

But you never-ever listen - do you?

(Like a Guillotine abrupt cut, end)

**********

**********

Here is a nice picture of me:

You may think of it as your

'Consolation Prize'

You can open it only after you had enough of crying.

Not before!

The picture will mean so much more to you - if you listen!

First take your time, cry, ponder...

Then few days later

You are allowed to see the picture!

For God's Sake, Girl, listen to me once - will you!???

https://www.index.hr/mobile/clanak.aspx?category=magazin&id=2212345

https://facebook.com/StreetArtsFestivalMostar/posts/3208922592527284

***I will possibly update this when diving words come to the surface***

(Written 26.6.2022 – 12.7.2022)